Alone

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.  Only through love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone." – Orson Welles

At birth, we’re alone in the sense of separation from our mother’s womb and if we don’t have a conjoined twin.

Living with three generations under one roof while growing up, I didn’t live alone except inside my head; in fact, the only time I had privacy was when I was using the bathroom.  When I went off to college, I was thrilled to be alone in a room of my own (single occupancy) as I fancied myself a writer.

“…a woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write …”

– Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own (1929)

A Place of Her Own

At SOMArts Cultural Center, A Place of Her Own exhibition entertained the questions, “If you had a place of your own, what would it be? Where do you think you come from? Who do you think you are? Where do you need to go? Who do you want to become? How are you going to get there?” The artists, all women ranging from 21 to 89 years old, personally answered these questions, embracing a place of one’s own as a safe space to freely express an evolving self and develop creativity, a state of mind or physical place, alone or return to community.

I missed the exhibit’s opening night last month when I was at GSA meeting, missed its closing celebration due to working late, but then I had the pleasure of being alone in the gallery space on its last night!

Marlene Iyemura’s Circle of Togetherness: “not a physical space.  Instead, it is a transcendental state that encourages self-awareness, critical thought and heartfelt processing … an endless series of enso paintings brought about through meditation… one that fulfills all my needs,…spiritual, physical, or emotional.” 

Natalie Sacramento’s Three Mirrors of Self-Awakening:  “I’d awaken from restful sleep to a place where I accept myself, take action, and heal.  Self-Acceptance mirror pours gold energy on the present.  Self-Prescribed mirror reflects my aspirations and potential.  Self-Healing mirror is where I see my resiliency.” 

Hediana Utarti’s Tree of Life:  “place where humanity is cherished and peace is possible … banyan tree…refuge…” 

Maggie Yee's Studio Euphoria: “place where I can be alone and where creativity does not compete with everyday responsibilities."

Workstation #1: Beliefs Which Hold Me Back, Which Carry Me Forward! Curator Cynthia Tom said about Peeling the Layers: "In order to understand and embrace what is important in your life, you must first figure out what is holding you back and what isn't working."  

Reiko Fujii’s Curating Joy: “where I feel at home with myself, surrounded by the inspirational activities and connections with others that contribute to cultivating happiness, confidence, and inner strength.”

Nancy Arvold’s Knitting Together Community: “landscape with people playing and working together… Creating community requires patience, work, and intertwining individual threads together to make a resilient, beautiful whole.” 

Susan Almazol’s Saying Yes: “where I say yes to the Predictable markers of old age and to the Possible transformation still within reach … transformed walkers playfully depict what’s Possible within the Predictable.” 

Irene Wibawa’s The Cave: “represents essential elements of what I want … structure offers me privacy and protection, reminding me that I am safe to be myself without fear of judgment … wool lining offers me comfort while also reminding me to be soft and kind to myself ….entrance…reminds me that this Place is unapologetic and purposely mine.”

Workstation #3 Aspirations that Carry Me Forward: Declare What You Want!

“Elder orphans”

Much has been written about the “problem of elder orphans” among the baby boom generation, who were one of the first to elect not to have children and now find themselves alone with no one to help care for them when they need it:

• About one-third of Americans 45 to 63 years of age are single, a 50% increase since 1980, and in a position to become orphans as they age
• 1 in 5 single baby boomers is living in poverty 
• Nearly one-quarter of Americans 65 and older, childless and single, could become "elder orphans" with no family social network of friends to provide care to them.
• In the absence of informal caregiving support, there are not enough nursing homes and facilities to care for the growing number of seniors who are on their own.

Can this “problem of elder orphans” be averted by having children as potential sources of unpaid caregivers? In “The Future of Elder Orphans,” researchers Amy Ziettlow and Naomi Cahn found that few parents, who were cared for by their children, do in fact die alone. 

Maria Torroella Carney, MD, chief of geriatric and palliative medicine at North Shore-LIJ Health System in New York, suggested that elder orphans are a “vulnerable population that’s likely to increase, and we need to determine what community, social services, emergency response and educational resources can help them.” Indeed, one solution is creating age-friendly communities with options like virtual villages, shared housing, and cohabitation.

Aging alone:  Gender vulnerability

More people are aging alone because of demographic (longevity revolution), financial (social security) and personal (quirkyalone is still alone, more older couples divorcing mostly initiated by women) reasons. 

Eric Klinenberg’s Going Solo:The Extraordinary Rise and Surprising Appeal of Living Alone (2012) has a chapter, “Aging Alone,” providing the following statistics:

• In 1950, only 1 in 10 Americans over age 65 lived alone; today, about 1 in 3 do.
• A century ago, nearly 70% of elderly American widows lived with a child; today, only 20% do.
• Majority of single elderly prefer living alone over moving in with children or a nursing home.
• Only 2% of elderly widows and 20% of elderly widowers remarry.  Women who live alone are less likely to experience mental health problems and diminished vitality than their married peers.
• According to American Time Use Survey, between 2003 and 2006, the typical single elderly spent an average of 10 hours a day alone.

Klinenberg notes that in our "cult of the individual," baby boomers have made their ability to live alone as a way to maintain independence, which they associate with dignity.  Living alone does not necessarily lead to loneliness and isolation; in fact, most solo dwellers are engaged in social and civic life. 

According to Klinenberg, aging alone is not a social problem except in the event of a disaster.  In his study of the 1995 Chicago heat wave, Klinenberg found that hundreds of people living alone died alone, not just due to the heat but they were without a support network to provide emergency assistance.  Most victims were elderly poor who could not afford air conditioning and did not open windows and doors at night to sleep outside for fear of crime.  In particular, Klinenberg found that elderly men who lived alone were twice as likely as elderly women to die alone in a disaster, presumably due to women’s stronger social relationships. 

No one dies alone

Earlier this month I attended the premiere of The Letters:The Untold Story of Mother Teresa, which recounted her missionary work including founding a hospice for the poor in the abandoned Hindu temple to goddess Kali in Kalighat Kolkata.  Mother Teresa said, “No one should die alone.  Each human should die with the sight of a loving face.”  

Panel of Sages and Spiritual Care Partners discussed Kol Haneshema: Lessons Learned from Jewish Hospice Care at last month’s Embracing the Journey at Jewish Community Center of San Francisco.  Kol Haneshema program, based on the belief that no one should die alone, matches trained volunteers with an older person.  One sage from the Jewish Home shared the saying of late Rabbi Alvin Fine of Temple Emanu-El:  “Birth is a beginning and death a destination; But life is a journey.”

Not alone

 

Had a very merry time at Kung Pao Kosher Comedy—my 1st time attending because I wanted to support Legal Assistance to the Elderly, which was highly deserving beneficiary this year! 2 shows daily over 3 nights, with over 2,000 attending December 24 to 26.  

Kung pao (part of 7-course dinner) & veggie dim sum (cocktail)

Comedy producer Lisa Geduldig also produced the award-winning documentary, Esther & Me (2010) about her friendship with Esther Weintraub, an octogenarian resident at the Jewish Home in San Francisco, and founded the Jewish Home's Esther Weintraub Comedy Clinic.  Lisa is working on an “upcoming quirky documentary about everyday people (and some celebs) with a gray streak in their hair,” Is That Natural or Did You Dye It? (Lisa combed her gray streak to the right side of her head so it doesn’t show in photo above.) 

Comedian Wendy Liebman said she thought she would be an old maid at age 42, but then married so with husband and two stepsons, she is now the maid! Show also included comedians Mike Fine and Dana Eagle.  

Guests received fortune cookies, with Yiddish messages like “A goat may have a beard, but that doesn’t make it a rabbi” and “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after a few days.”